The Ache (Download)

By Michael Knight

Saturday 14 May 2011

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Have you ever experienced the ache of emptiness, where your heart feels dead from lack of love, connection and care for so, so long? Where your soul has had a battering of loneliness, rejection, abandonment and failure to power up in both your inside and outside world?

Words cannot describe such an ache in the core of my tummy. My abdomen covers my wounded, sensitive and utterly raw solar plexus region, with every access to it for a feeling of love causing me more pain.

I have nobody to share this with, no mate, comrade, or close companion to empathise, nurture or even care a drop. Everyone is distant and I'm non-existent to them, save to be used when their narcissistic tendencies arise to squeeze yet another drop out of poor old Cinderella's soul.

Love is now totally void in my life with aches and pains everywhere. My spiritual heart doesn't pump love anymore, rather my physical heart just pumps blood, barely. The steam roller didn't just roll me once but flattened me over, over and over. It just would not stop. Even the blades of grass and clover are having trouble springing back up.

There was obviously no way to bounce back as all my power had been taken, or simply left my body and mind somehow, despite moments of trying to convince myself I was God almighty. Simply, the outside realities kept my inside reality imprisoned with the sentence now being raised to indefinite with a slim chance of parole.

It has been so long now since the real love and care from someone. So long now I'm even doubting I ever had it at all, or was it just my own fanciful thoughts of love that induced me to believe I was being loved, in love and even love itself. If so, the delusions were strong and long, of me being this free flowing endless stream of pure love for all to drink from where one day — now — without love in return, that stream would eventually run dry.

So where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong to deserve such a punishment and banishment from the kingdom of love, or have I in fact been set free from the torturous thrashings the tentacles of love can often lash out. Love being all I have ever felt, known and cared about, well since my partner and children anyway, all who have disappeared save for my memories.

After multiple bursts of words, a paragraph here and there, I must lay still and quiet in the dark and silence at three in the morning, again feeling my pain aching deep in my core. No-one to reach out to, no-one to cuddle, no-one to understand me and listen with their heart.

I can be brave no more, be there for others, provide or protect with an absence of love. Love is like oxygen — for I need both to breathe. Full breaths that blow up the biggest of sails for the biggest and most grandest of voyages. Anything less seems to be not worth the trouble.

Who will give me love in return for a real and deep love to keep our fires burning for eternity? Deep love isn't about looks, image, status, money, jobs, it's about a path of truth, openness and gratitude for the love you have in front of you, and the million ways you can jumble up this life of two to give you a immeasurable feelings always. Until such a love arrives or arises, I shall return to my inner sanctum where all I can do is pray.

No matter how much my mind tries to connect with those who should love me, when I feel there is no genuine love in return, my heart just can't make the trip and fuel my existence. More and more in this world of make believe seems distant and disconnected. I don't fit in or belong. Somehow, I don't think I ever did.

With love, kindness and peace
Michael