The Unhappy, Scorned, Vengeful, Bitter and Twisted Ex (Download)

By Michael Knight

Friday 14 May 2010

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Is your ex an unhappy, scorned, vengeful, bitter and twisted soul whose behaviour will never seem to improve for the better?

Do you feel you may be a target of their vitriolic tendencies for some time to come, even if you have nothing to do with them and move earnestly on rebuilding your life?

These are just a few concerns on the minds of Separated parents who have menacing ex's who just can't seem to let go, leave you alone and move forward with their life. It can be unfortunate that many years after the dust settles from your Separation battle your ex is still not happy and may never be.

So why are some people like this, especially when you barely did anything wrong in and out of the relationship except protect yourself and your children?

You didn't abuse your partner or the children, there was no affair, no drugs, not an alcoholic or gambler, you loved and cared for your partner and the children, weren't off having fun with friends and work colleagues at the expense of sharing time with the family and didn't leave the relationship or family to suffer for another intimate outsider indulging in your own personal gratification. Yet these people who do, are usually the ones that have the incessant need to cause conflict, harm and damage to others for all eternity. It's a bizarre twist of normality at the very least.

It is important to note that the hate, bitterness and anger that emanates from their soul is all about them, with more often than not having nothing to do with you, nothing you can control. It takes narcissistic disorders to new heights.

Although it's quite common for many scarred parents not to forgive for decades, it is not so common where parents are still under fire many years down the track, even though their children are well into adulthood. The attachments that get formed are quite extraordinary.

Whilst there are possibly many answers to this prolonged attachment and assault, some reasons could be that your ex has not taken ownership of and dealt with his or her issues. They maybe in enormous pain unable to find the right help and do whatever it takes to remedy their grief. They may not have the psychological capacity to do so or simply may not want to change from their bitter and twisted state. The attention and payoffs accompanying this behaviour, both positive and negative, can not only be comfortable and familiar, but completely enjoyable and exhilarating. No matter what the reason, there is little or nothing you can do, save being strong with your boundaries to protect yourself.

If the truth be known, perhaps your ex was psychologically disturbed from the moment you met them. Perhaps you were too young, inexperienced and immature to see the signs. Maybe your family told you but you just weren't ready to listen. Perhaps you had children and were trapped in the confines of the family doing the best you could. Possibly, you thought you could handle it and they would mature as they got older. Maybe you simply accepted this person especially being the father or mother of your children. Even being pragmatic and realising that everyone has faults and nobody's perfect was your justification, or you even half liked them being the way they were, not fully realising that one day down the track they may present as a huge problem. No matter what happened it's too late now to do anything, if anything was ever possible in the first place as this is what life's all about.

If some people weren't short of a quid upstairs before the Separation, they may surely well be after it, as the long drawn out psychological battles take its toll often diminishing one's quality of life. This can cause a real fury and vengeance for those who who don't find it fun, win, weren't able to exercise their power or have their say feeling helpless and inferior. If these types of people fail to take ownership and responsibility for their part and personal issues, a real time bomb can be in the making.

Although you are being effected, it's not your fault and not your problem. Some people just have a negative disposition which never seems to improve or leave you alone. It can be sometimes like a mad dog who just keeps biting out of control. It may even be that your ex has finally started to comprehend what has actually transpired, ranging from guilt and regret in the relationship to that of loss, harm and damage they have caused and suffered post the relationship. It may even be some form of delayed shock like coming out of a coma as they come to terms with what they have lost. Losing family, children, time, health, a home, finances and the only real meaning to life — the love and security only a family can truly bring, may just all be too much for them. It can cause multiple episodes of distorted and unhealthy behaviour for some time to come.

So is there nothing that can be done?

Not much by you I suspect, save some understanding, patience and tolerance of the problem, although in some cases this can be very difficult. Without getting into the numerous reasons as to why your ex maybe missing a bolt or two, as this is ultimately a waste of your precious time and a fruitless exercise, the source of this vexation is usually some form of deep rooted issue or anomaly involving childhood experiences resulting in pain and trauma. It can turn to feelings of guilt, resentment, regret causing all forms of maladjustment that your ex is either unaware of, psychologically unable to deal with or simply unwilling.

Your ex's condition may ameliorate in time, however chances are unlikely if it's in their personality, genetic makeup or buried deep within their unconscious and they refuse professional help. Either way, take a few deep breaths and pray.

With love, kindness and peace
Michael