Fairness (Download)

By Michael Knight

Tuesday 5 May 2009

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Is there such a thing as fairness for a Father, Mother or the children during a Separation or Divorce?

The first thing one must look at is the meaning of fair? Also, what is fair for one, may not be fair for another. The fairness must certainly lie in one's perception and expectations — of themselves, their ex partner and the family law system and its processes.

Does fair in your eyes mean an equal share of everything combined? What factors are up for consideration do you think? If you let it get to Family Court what considerations, tests and evidence will be applied? Will it be any fairer to family members by being caught in this jurisdiction, or do all family members have a better chance at fairness through negotiation between both parents, of course with relevant advice on entitlements?

It can often be very confusing for fathers and mothers alike when Separating when ultimately having to decide first and foremost who gets what level of involvement with their children. Highly charged emotions can often obfuscate the clear and rational thinking needed to sort through the many issues surrounding children, money and themselves.

Many issues are in the mix for consideration such as who gets what share of the asset pool(if applicable), child support, other benefits like welfare support and concessions, peace of mind and security, power and control issues, beliefs and other games people often play out, whether they be conscious thoughts and actions, or issues deep seated in the sub-conscious mind.

More often than not, any involvement with lawyers dividing, hindering and thwarting communication between parents, will ultimately end up in conflict. A type of embroiled warfare that will occur in and out of the Family Court, and more importantly a festering of negative thoughts and emotions within a person's soul. Any resemblance of a fair deal for any family member will diminish each day until matters are settled both on a legal level and internally within yourself. For some, issues of resentment, regret, rejection, resistance, guilt, loss and grief may linger for many years, if not decades.

For parents to arrive at a sense of fairness they must first work out who they wish to be fair to, what they are willing to give up and sacrifice, trade or negotiate in order that peace be by and large accomplished. Whilst with some people this maybe like moving Ayers Rock with a bulldozer, yes almost impossible, every effort must be sought with patience, tolerance, understanding, forgiveness and love, for both short and long term peace to exist within all family members promoting their new lives to sprout.

A black and white approach of all the issues in question canvassed in a calm, respectful and rational manner, and done in as short a time-frame as possible without putting undue stress on any parent or causing hardship is possibly the best path to take. This way people can begin to rebuild their new lives without the added burden of more loss and litigation added to the pile.

If both parents are able to adopt a generous of spirit attitude, some time and patience, most things can be worked through peacefully with satisfaction to all parties. It's simply a matter of controlling ones emotions and some lateral thinking to arrive at solutions mutually acceptable.

Hence, an outcome of fairness will depend on each parent's willingness and ability to form a collective alliance of maturity, positive attitude, common values around their children, similar belief systems, and a strong desire to not have their bank balance swindled and transferred into the hands of all too eager lawyers.

Other such factors can include ones ability to change, adapt and move on to a new and successful life, personality, psychological knowledge yourself, the other parent and human behaviour, a willingness to let go, learn new things, adequate people and financial resources, networking skills, determination, perseverance and endurance.

However, having said all that, the question of fairness may simply just be up to you, and how far you are willing to go to give what's needed to satisfy your exes hunger. What are your boundaries? On the other hand, there maybe no satisfying their obsession on your part, for they have an overwhelming desire to strip you clean of everything, financially, psychologically and career even down to the taking of your soul.

In which case, what has fairness got to do with war and survival?